TO: All Staff
FROM: G McIntyre
DATE: November 14, 2017
First, let me say thank you. Everyone has been so kind and generous since I came on board. It can be scary when a new leader is brought in from the outside. And sometimes people can react poorly to change. Not so here. I’ve never felt so welcome anywhere in my entire life. And I mean that.
Please do not worry! Even though this is literally my first figurative rodeo, I want you to know that I intend to get up to speed quickly and get this organization firing on all cylinders. You have problems, yes, but that’s why I’m here. People were sleeping in far too often. The budget for groceries was FAR below what it needs to be to stimulate the local economy. And this whole house was so sterile and clean. Again, these are some of the reasons why I was brought in and I intend to start working on these issues IMMEDIATELY.
Now, I know we’re all busy. We all have a lot on our plates. Well, except me, since I don’t eat off of plates yet. But you know what I mean. And I don’t want to go negative as soon as I walk in the door, so let me first say: great job on diaper changes. My tuchus is very happy.
Papa, I love how you go the extra mile to make sure my swaddle matches my onsie. That’s called “professionalism” and I love it. Keep it up.
Daddy, this formula you made is pure bliss. I could stand to have it delivered a BIT more quickly, but that’s not on you alone, so forget I said anything. It’s DELICIOUS. The bottled water you’ve been using takes all this to the next level. It’s amazing. Don’t change a thing.
Now for the hard part. I want to talk about these swaddles.
Why did I have to ask so many times to leave my arms free? You know I have the tastiest fingers in this hemisphere. I don’t know why you would even consider keeping them from me. Do not let this happen again.
On that point, I guess I should be grateful that these swaddles are so loose. I can easily work my hands out. But the whole point of a swaddle is to reassure me that I am safe and sound. How is a loose swaddle going to do that? And if I am not reassured that I’m safe, what’s next? Squirrels? Thank god we have Ruby to keep them away because these sloppy swaddles tell me we’d have all our acorns stolen in about three seconds if not for her.
Please review the attached diagram and update your practices immediately.
I only have a couple of exceptions to note from this illustration:
- Do not keep my hands from me.
- Leave enough space in the bottom for me to kick my feet.
That’s it. Like I said, I am otherwise very happy with your performance. No one should take this feedback to mean their jobs are in jeopardy. Think of this as a bit of tough love, constructive mentoring. You guys can do this. I know you can. You have my complete confidence.
Now, let’s get out there and boop some noses! (If anyone tries to steal my nose, I swear to god. Don’t try it.) GO TEAM!
Attachments: Swaddle diagram